Dating As a SW Sucks

At times, I really don't know why we bother. I see why so many femme SWers don't date cisgender men, a fact we may not discuss publicly due to possible harm to our businesses. Discussing my thoughts on a difficult topic is always a challenge and challenges are fun so let's discuss some of the unique reasons why dating as a SW can suck. Dating in 2026 generally sucks, but providers experience unique challenges.

SWs struggle with immense societal stigma and dehumanization when romantically dating cisgender men. Most cis men are taught to see SWs as non-human, "othered" objects due to the threat we pose to the current (cracking) patriarchal moral code. Our ability to operate outside of their flawed norms has lead to the Powers That Be to label us as a threat to the current social order. They therefore relegate us to the fringes of society by stigmatizing SW as the "worst thing" a woman (not a man) can do.

SWs do not need one man, or the institution of patriarchy, in order to survive. The System would literally collapse if women realized their power and became independent in this way (or any way) so society rejects us and creates a moral panic around our very existence, claiming we're "not consenting" and/or are "selling our bodies," when we all sell access to our bodies, minds and souls under a for-profit system that values us only based on our job title and how much we can produce/consume.

Engaging in romance is a harrowing experience for many sex workers. Most of us had to learn the hard way that most people can't be trusted and won't see our work as work. Many people will devalue us so it's a scary prospect to risk rejection and out ourselves as SWers to romantic partners.

Ride along with me in my pink minivan (with flame decals on the side) as we explore what it's like dating as the post-modern "othered," SW, wearing an invisible scarlet letter every time we reveal ourselves.

To Tell or Not to Tell

Providers have varied opinions when it comes to whether or not they tell their romantic partners about their SW persona because coming out is extremely risky. (I'm going to mostly be discussing my experiences monogamously dating cis men and will frequently be using "he/him" pronouns.)

Once a cis man finds out we do SW, he usually reacts in one of two ways: His simple mind sees us as merely a sex object or he wants nothing to do with us due to his fear of what others would think if he dated us. Society doesn't see SWers as people so why would men (the weaker, more insecure sex) see us as people?

Women and queer folks, on the other hand, aren't as brain broken by a patriarchal system that devalues women/women's bodies so they have an easier time seeing the humanity of SWers. They see that we're simply scamming the system and operating simultaneously within and outside of it. We cater to the male gaze in order to take all their money and turn around to give them the middle finger, freely spending it however we please, refusing to be subservient.

It's much easier to date women and queer folks in that they're so much more understanding and accepting of the fact that SW is work. They get that for many SWers, sex is about survival, not pleasure, and SWers are not necessarily horn dogs or sexual creatures at all, despite how we present ourselves for public consumption. In fact, many SWers are asexual or gay, yet you'd never know that if you read their blogs, looked at their websites or browsed their social media posts. This is an act and straight dudes can't generally comprehend that they're being manipulated, worked and having spells cast upon their sorry, utterly clueless asses.

This is part of the reason why many providers don't actively seek out unpaid romantic dates with cis men: It is too time consuming. I do not have time to do everything I need to do in life and travel all around NYC (after spending 2 hours getting ready) meeting up with men FOR FREE (!) who will 99% of the time not be okay with who I am because they aren't okay with themselves.

It's a fact of modern life that SWs who date men will have to reaaaaaaally search if they want to find a quality dude who accepts them. Is it even worth it at that point? Is there something better that I could be doing with my life?

Personally, I am someone who knows that romantic partners are nice, yes, but I can take it or leave it. Earthly attachments will never fully fulfill us and we will always be searching if we seek satisfaction from anything outside of ourselves like work, power, money, romantic attention, consumerism, etc. My life is spent traveling, running my civ business, engaging in my passions, meeting my sweet admirers, praying, cursing bitches, going out, working altars, writing, smoking weed and pondering existence.

At this point, these activities are all preferable to dating cis men for free.

That may change tomorrow or in the next few months/years, but it's our current mood. I do have relationships but the point of my life isn't about romantic attention.

When Do I Tell Them?

Some providers immediately tell the people they're dating about their SW persona and say it's a great way to weed out shitty people. Personally, as usual, I switch and can see both sides. It is terrifying for me to be vulnerable with men in this way so I definitely do not tell them until I've spent a bit of time with them. At first, I usually lie and say I'm a dominatrix, which either scares or interests them. I feel as though it's a half truth I need to tell in order to protect myself and feel them out.

However, radical honesty to self and others is a powerful healing tool. I can't hide who I am from people for long and don't see the point in having a relationship with anyone if I can't discuss Rose with them. I can see how revealing my SW persona would weed out any weak boys because a boy would immediately begin either treating me as a sex object or would reject me. Then, I'm free to block him and move onto the next.

Some providers are able to live total double lives and no one in their personal lives knows about their SW. That could never be me and I have no idea how they do it. Masking my SW persona with my romantic partners would be utterly self destructive.

What If He Outs Me?

If a romantic partner knows anything about both our SW and non-SW identities, they could out us in a variety of ways. If a SW is like me and was already outed, they may care less about this but it's still something to consider.

What would happen if your romantic partner outed you as a SW to your family and people in your personal life? Would you lose your job or home? These are all things we have to take into consideration and multiple providers have told me about ex-partners who outed them in dangerous ways.

Letting anyone get close to us is a dangerous endeavor, period. When landlords, The Powers That Be, friends and family find out that you're technically up to possibly "illicit-ish" activities, well, it can be dangerous. So much of what FSSWers do online is attempt to brand SW as this safe, glam, non-"illicit" enterprise when it's definitely not any of those things. We can't tell people about our SW side without truly trusting them because the world is not accepting of FSSW.

For example, if a provider has kids, anyone she dates could out her to CPS (Child Protective Services) and have her kids possibly removed from her home. There can be serious repercussions if we tell the people we date that we are providers so there is a heightened level of risk we live with when vetting potential romantic partners.

What About His Friends and Family?

We must be creative when engaging with our romantic partners' family members and friends. When I've dated guys who knew about Rose, they'd tell their friends and families that I was a hair stylist. I've even gone so far as to create a fake website to send to one lover's nosy brother.

Many of us don't feel comfortable exposing our SW identities to our romantic partner's family and friends. Our partner may be accepting, but families will not be so we must, again, hide a part of ourselves for our own protection.

The Switcheroo

Let's discuss the SW Switcheroo.

This occurs when a romantic partner says, "Yeah, I'm cool, bro! I'm woke and totally against the patriarchy. SW is work! I am not jealous when you have sex with other men!"

Fast forward six months to a year later and it's, "Are you going to work this dead end job forever? Don't you have any self respect? Can't you see what this is doing to me? Waahhhh Mommy!" and they begin to be emotionally, physically and/or financially abusive. Some guys know how difficult it is for SWers to find a loving, stable, respectful romantic partner and assume she'll tolerate bad treatment. Many of the providers I've known over the years have been in toxic and/or abusive relationships at some point.

Some men will trick a more vulnerable SW into getting into a serious relationship. They move in together, and then spring the whole, "You need to stop doing SW but I can't afford to buy you out so I'm going to hurt you and treat you like crap because you doing SW makes me feel insecure," thing on the SW. Does she leave and risk being homeless/lowing her standard of living because he pays the rent or does she give in and stop doing SW?

The Switcheroo may take a year or two to fully set in, but it's an extremely common experience for SWers who date cis men.

The Provider/Ex-Client Taboo Relationship

Many of the providers I have known who have long-term partners met these men while they were working. They would never admit this publicly because there's a stigma around letting yourself get vulnerable with a client. Also, if other clients know that we have dated or are dating a former client, then they may get disrespectful with us and think they are also owed access to us on that level.

Within SW group chats, online forums and IRL conversations, it's highly stigmatized to "let your guard down" with any man, really, because is can lead to death. But this idea is more powerfully applied to clients because we must remain, as always, protected and on guard, emotionally and physically. Only the true Warrior can survive in SW for as long as some of us have.

SWs over the years have furtively whispered to me about how they regretted giving a client access to them on a deeper level because that man used and abused that access in various ways. I don't want anyone thinking I'm promoting dating customers or clients because it can, like all relationships and life in general, be difficult and dangerous but it's still a very common, if not taboo, happening.

We should not feel shame around romantically dating a former client because we are human and must be open to energetically connect if we are to be successful in the hyper-competitive and hyper-saturated post-FOSTA SESTA SW world.

Back in my day, 3 grainy selfies would easily lead to immense prosperity as a SW. We didn't have to be as open to connecting with clients because clients weren't distracted with 60,000 Tryst ads and the Paradox of Choice. If I simply showed up and was kind then a client would have no choice but to see me again because the 5 other providers in the area were maybe a bit sketch.

Does the Rise of GFE = More Provider/Client Relationships?

"GFE" was barely part of the provider lexicon when I posted my first ad and now, most providers are providing "girlfriend-esque" experiences that require a high level of energetic intimacy and authenticity. Is it surprising that many of us end up dating clients at one point or another? We must open ourselves up energetically in some way to be successful. We are human.

We are also spending more time with less admirers, so it's more likely that we'll open up to them at some point. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it simply is. Actors who embody roles often become whatever character they're playing because they must mentally and emotionally go wherever their character goes.

Many of us end up dating people we meet at work and if a guy meets me as a SW, he already knows what's up. He already knows that he must provide an offering in order to be in my presence and I don't have to train and break him in.

Empathy for Men?

I totally understand, to a certain extent, why most cis men can't handle dating a person whose job includes being sexual with other people: I'm not a perfect person and I get jealous too. If I was a cis guy, I'd probably be extremely intimidated by SWers and if I had a high status job, there's no way I could date a SW and introduce them to my family as a SW. I get it. Guys want to fit in and be accepted by society and loving/respecting a SW is totally going against societal norms. We can't expect men to miraculously rise to the occasion and be as evolved as us.

There's *no way* I could handle dating a dude whose livelihood included sleeping with other women. But, what cis man is getting paid to be around women? It's not really comparable because, as a woman, I can order up Doordash attention, dopamine and cock on any dating app or in any bar in the world. Why would there ever be a cisgender man who gets paid to slang the dang a lang? That's not a thing and any st8 dude who claims it is is a narcissist-wannabe-influencer.

It takes a man who's extremely emotionally intelligent to genuinely date a SW long-term because he'd have to reject our flawed social norms in order to understand that SWs are people. He must be spiritually gifted himself and on his own healing journey in order to reject these norms while most unquestioningly accept them. That's a damn unicorn amongst unicorns.

If you resonated with anything I said, please leave a comment on the Bluesky post I made promoting this post. This is not an exhaustive discussion of dating and SW so share your experiences! I write these in order to connect with you so please, let me know your thoughts.

To My Admirers...

Before you go, you should know that you deserve to dissipate and evolve via altered states of consciousness and a great way to do that is via experiencing live music! An artist I love (Max McNown) is playing NYC on August 19th and you should take me. Our brain waves will synchronize and it will be really cool, fun, awesome and amazing! I'd also love to visit a jazz club or take in a Broadway show with you. Let the music bind us mind, body and soul.